I don’t know what it is about the end of the year spurring introspection, but I have been thinking a lot about where I am in my life and what I’ve been giving and getting out of my relationships with people.
I think I’ve always been a very intuitive person and I am really quick to trust people, so naturally, every now and again I get hurt/betrayed and it happens badly, and there was a few instances of that this year. On the other hand, however, I also made some really great friends this year too, and continued to nurture the already good relationships I forged when I arrived in LA a year and a half ago. That’s not to say we haven’t had rocky phases, but that’s just how life is, really.
I’ve known since a really early age that I have a lot of pride. I’m talking, it physically hurts when I have to swallow it for whatever reason. There’s a certain situation which I’m trying to read right now because I was burned and badly by this particular person, and I was very angry with reason. My thoughts on the matter now, however, are more directed on how that is affecting me. Whenever a friendship crumbles with me, I just burn the bridge and go silent, even if I know the other person has since cooled down from their own anger. I seldom make my feelings known and a lot of the times I just carry the grudge. It’s obviously not healthy. So what I’m trying to figure out now is whether I should just have a very candid chat with this person, and maybe even people that this has happened with in the past, and let them know how I feel. Tell them that they hurt me, and whether they’re sorry about it or not, I cannot continue to be angry at them, and in most cases that doesn’t mean mending the friendship, just that we will be at a plateau of civility. I just need to extract a lot of poison.
Expressing feelings and emotions is such a new concept to me for some reason, and a lot of the time what that means is that I have most of these things bottled up and when I begin to talk about them, some of it ends up manifesting in tears. I hate that that happens. The way that crying is perceived is the opposite of what I hope to achieve whenever I am trying to coherently make a point. I think this all has to end up playing out the way one would open a shaken up soda. Just release a little at a time, until it is safe to open the entire thing without causing a mess.
The other thing I have to learn to be vocal about is when I feel sad or alone. I can’t expect people to take a glance at me and just magically know that I need to be around someone or talk about something. I’ve made some really great friends who have trusted me enough to come to me when they have had problems, so I have to learn to let go a little and trust them enough to say, “hey, i need you to listen to me for a minute.”
I think a lot of what shaped me this way is that I am the oldest of my siblings, so I’ve always felt that I somehow had to be strong and tough for them. And I am also very close to my dad who, because of his fucked up upbringing, also had to just be “tough” and brought us up teaching us the things that he liked to do, which aren’t bad, but do fall under some form of “macho” category. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that a lot of the Mexican culture and gender norms were really adhered to when I was a kid, and while a lot of that has changed radically now, I was raised in a mostly male environment where the eldest is expected to tough it out and expression of emotion is not highly valued, and even looked down upon.
So this is another thing for me to work on in this quest to better myself. So to those that get to see me on a regular basis, if I end up crying in front of you for whatever reason, don’t freak out, it’s just something that’s been long overdue even if the climate isn’t right for it. I appreciate your understanding in advance. :)
Superbad becomes insanely relevant near the end of every semester because this is the last chance you get for a while to convince your crush to like you before having to not see each other for a few weeks/months. Especially when they’re on the verge of graduating soon.
It might be early to start thinking about resolutions, but I go home in 11 days and it feels like that’ll be a step away from my LA life.
I think one of the things I want to try and do next semester while I have the school’s health insurance, is therapy or counseling. I’ve noticed, especially in these winter months when everyone is falling ill, that I have a couple of things that I don’t deal too well with. One of them is stress. Finals are coming up and I tend to bottle up all the pressure and just fall asleep instead, or find a distraction, or just resign myself to whatever I currently have and not strive to polish my work and create something I’ll be entirely proud of out of sheer pessimism.
This has been a recurring problem since I started college in general. I tend to just glide and can’t seem to find a way to motivate myself. I’m hoping that if I can talk to someone that’s qualified in the area, maybe I can find some ways to push myself and stop being so damn pessimistic about everything. I always take the first step in the right direction, then I just coast or stop giving a damn and that’s becoming a problem.
The other thing I don’t deal well with is death and fatality. I think on some level I understand it and am conscious that it will one day (hopefully in the far, far future) come for me, and I think I’m okay with that. However, when it comes to other people, I just shut down completely and am not quite sure how to deal with everything that happens. I’m still not fully over my grandparents’ passings and I’m full of guilt for it, especially for my grandmother, and it just springs up at the oddest times, so it’s definitely something I will eventually need to talk about to someone unbiased and maybe have a good cry over.
Over this last holiday, my great-aunt passed away, and my dad’s father got diagnosed with lymphoma, and they’re both just very confusing feelings for me, especially my dad’s father. He was never totally present, especially for my sister and I since we are girls, and he was always adversarial when it came to my parents’ marriage, so needless to say, I’m not devastated over the news, but it’s also not something I would ever be happy about. My pain here comes mostly because I know that he was the only parent my dad was close to for most of his life, even though they’ve fallen out in the last few years. I would never wish bad things on anyone, but at the same time I can’t fully sympathize with the man who was never fully present in my life and actively rejected the majority of my family. There’s been a lot of illness and death for my family this year and I can tell it’s taken a toll on me, at least on a subconscious level where it’s not completely healthy.
As far as other resolutions go, I started a new diet today. The same one my family has been on for the past few months and they’ve lost a ton of weight and have revolutionized their lifestyle with. I really hope I have the will power to stick with it. Will power is something I’ve never been strong on, but I’m technically an adult now, and on some levels I should start behaving like one rather than behaving like a 10-year-old kid. This is potentially something I could bring up to a counselor or therapist. In my field, there IS merit to having a child-like spirit, but at the same time, I know that I do have to grow up and start taking responsibility for myself in some things. I mean, I would rather tough it out when I get sick until I get home and I can go to the doctor with my mom rather than just suck it up and go by myself. So yeah, there are a few things I need to learn to be an adult about.
I think all-in-all, the biggest thing for me as far as resolutions go is finding the best me I can. I’ve learned a lot about myself since I’ve been in Los Angeles without my immediate family, and a lot of it I really like. And that’s a huge thing for me. I don’t dislike myself, I actually really like the person I am, and that’s not something I could have said about myself 7 years ago. I think now it’s just a matter of finding where my weaknesses are and try to mold them into strengths instead of ignoring them and letting them eat away at me while I remain oblivious to them.